Please don't take away my right

I have been suffering from lower abdomen pain more frequest these few months even after my menstrual period. Yesterday morning, thinking of maybe i should be going for a doctor consult. Actuallly i went for a scan 2 or 3 years ago when i was in the uni and suffering for this pain too. The scan result showed nothing extraordinary happen, so doctor told me that this is normal for a teenage. So i heed the advice and went home with a relief emotion.

Yesterday morning, i went for a checkup. Actually i expect same comment like last time. When doctor started the scanning procedures on my tummy, he keep asking me 'is it pain here?'I replied, 'doctor, you press the machine heavily on my tummy, of course i feel pain. 'I told him the pain come periodically. It happen sometimes, suddenly and pricking. I am looking at the screen and start thinking of' oh this is my uterus where my baby will grow up here in the future. Suddenly there are few red spot appeared in the screen. I started to ask what is it, doctor did not reply me straightly but 'ADENOMYOSIS' showed in the screen. He told me that is blood tumour and some more there is pod fluid appeared. I asked 'does it affect my probability of having baby in the future? He looked and me for a while and ' nodded'. At that times, my heart broke down. Then i asked if there is solution, he replied ' no for the moment'. Another impact for me and this time, my tears start to drop unstoppable. I asked 'how about operation?' He replied, the operation won't help much as the cell spread around the uterus wall. Then he continue, if the tumour deteriote, then operation need to be carried out to remove it.

I burst out tears badly outside of the maternity on his shoulder. I don't know what can i do for now? He suggested second opinion, i heard and response nothing. When i reached home, i hie in my room and cried for minutes before i calm down and told mum. Surprisingly i did not even drop any single tears in front of mum. I acted nothing afterwards until CLH ask me ' are you going for second opinion anytime? How come i sense out you don't plan it at all and you are calm.' Only i realised, i never think of second opinion, i am escaping it. I stayed calm not because of i have accept it, in facts, i am deleting the memory at maternity clinic gradually.

At night, i google 'adenomyosis', from wikipedia, this is only commmon for women range 35 to 50 years old. I burst out in tears again, looking at my scanning result, looking for the size of the tumour. The question come across my mind, 'how come there is this thing grow in my abdomen in 2 or 3 years time where it does not exist at all previously?'

Why is it me? I am just 25, not even close to the range of 35 to 50 years old and i wanna be a dearest mum for my own children. Please don't take away my right!

Random

Tik....tok....tik...tok.....

This is the sound i can feel from my heart, and it is getting faster and faster as the clock show few minutes away from 3pm. The sound took away my oxygen gradually. I can't really breath well.

I hope i can divert my attention away to work yet i think i failed, i just getting more nervous. I can't even think what should i do to express this feeling. Complaining to friends? I have troubled them a lot due to this matter.

I hope i can share the good news here in a short while more.

Good luck to me !

我不想作为人，我只想为这世界出一点点绵力

我明白一段感情，得来不易。缘分靠上天，后天考经营。努力了这么久，问题一直都在。

现在不是我不想挽救或想放弃，只是到了瓶颈，我已经不懂该怎么办了。我有试着种种的沟通方式，放下期待的心情，打开心扉，想要找到出口。可是，事情往往事与愿违，一个人单方面的努力，真的是不够的。刚开始我不明白为什么，每次我想找他商量的时候，他都说‘ 为什么我们要谈，每次谈到问题， 谈到将来， 我们都吵架，不要谈可以吗？很烦啊！’ 我无言， 心想 ‘他这样的反应， 就足以证明我们真的缺少沟通, 也证明了，他很没耐心。所以事情往往都是沉默加另一个冷静期收场，我的心很痛， 而且我也很累了。

久而久之，我也不想谈了。（可能当初他一开始的心态就像我现在的心态一样吧？！）我为什么一个人要把自己困在瓶颈这呢？ 我为什么不把注意力放在需要我的地方呢？我明白了，现在不是时候来谈解决，谈将来， 把注意力放在这样一个没有反应的人，事身上，只会让我更伤，更伤。

结果， 我把注意力，转向我的事业心，多阅读 （希望）， 练习钢琴 （逐步逐步走向我的梦想）， 把CPA考好，准备进入peak period，多参与朋友，存钱给我的车，还有梦想家园。。。。。。

还有，我开始了我的助养儿童计划。我明白，借着这样的理由，开始这样一个计划，不是个很健康的开始，可是我相信，我会好好的不让它半途而废。从开始报名成为助养人，肯定信用卡捐款到助养的儿童资料寄到我家，间中历时两个星期有余。坦白说，我没有把握我会是个很好的助养人， 但是我会尽力。我选择了，中国新疆的小孩。坦白说，我还不习惯像其他人一样， 称小孩为自己孩子般称呼。这小女孩， 有着伊斯兰名字 （我忘了什么名了），是个黝黑，微胖的六岁小女孩， 上有一名哥哥（没记错的话， 不然就是弟弟）， 父母为政府人员 （不明白为什么， 这孩子为什么需要被助养， 到底这组织是怎样筛选有资格被助养的孩子？）可能他们有自己的方式，管他的， 我只想为这世界出一点点绵力。

最后，曾小姐，我祝你生日快乐，你要永远都知道开心的秘诀，远离难过的境界。过去的捉不住，该离开的很难坚持。要记得，只有放开双手, 才能捉到另一样，也才能找到更好的；只有放开双手，才有机会拥抱更美好的将来。加油 : )

谢谢你们

星期天，与有有逛了一天，真是多亏有有，陪我一天。

可是临走前，她问我611，我不是很愿意想起，可是我的脑海记忆的大门，就这样一扇一扇的打开了，往事就像记忆犹新一样，一幕幕出现在我的脑海里，一天天的折磨着我，一刀一刀的刺着我。眼泪真是流干了又在流，累了就睡。我的心情，精神完全的跌落谷底。工作频频出错。

快一年了，我以为它已经被我牢牢埋着了，可是为什么它像是昨天发生一样的剧痛。说真的，有有离开后，我的情绪就没有一点好转，反而是被眼泪代替了。可能很多人都不明白，会问回我，‘这没什么大不了的’。。。。太多这样的回应，让我也不愿多说什么了。

可是昨天， CLH说了一句我很安慰的话‘我明白你的说法，没有遇到过的人是不会明白的’ 【原来还有人认为我不是错的，只是比别人还早遇到罢了】

今天， 我打给有有，感谢她为我打抱不平，可是我请求她到此为止，别再追问了，我不想再想起，我想要埋藏一切的人，事，物。她说了两句 ‘你说得对，LY真的是偏袒她’ 我说她的不是了。 还有， ‘别说事情没什么大不了， 我明白，每个人都有别人不能触碰的底线，你有你的底线’

我只能说， CLH， 有有， 谢谢你们.