笑着比忍着不哭还难受

在别人面前开怀大笑，其实比忍着不哭，还辛苦，还难受。

昨晚，为了把自己弄累，除了吃药，还做家务。结果，还是想联络你， 就给sk一个简讯，得知他睡着了，就自个儿听歌，直到睡着。早上，sk注意到我微肿的眼睛，责问昨晚是否又崩溃，我企图扯开话题，可是他却严加逼问，我没有否认，他就开始责骂，就这样我们不发一语得到达公司。我明白，他要‘救我'，可是我把它视为’不谅解‘。因为他不知道我是吃软不吃硬。

到了公司，我又开始我的‘面具’ - 若无其事，专注的工作，企图让自己更加忙碌。然后我发现，其实这是有效的，越是忙碌，越是解脱。我发现我在公司丝毫没有因为你的事情影响，偶尔想到，难过一下，就马上找工作做，我就得以解脱。但是我发现我因此变得很offensive，对顾客同事说话带刺，根本不理别人的感受（当然，我的感受我都可以忽视了，他们算哪根葱？）当下，我决定就这样来面对sk吧！（因为我不想过着每天吵吵闹闹的日子，也不想害他心情也受影响）而且，越长时间保持的愉快，可能康复得越快。

sk来接我放工时，我都是笑脸迎人，他建议我们去看戏 （Final Fantasy7）我拒绝了，因为想要快点回麻坡一家pharmacy买一种咳嗽药水 （舅舅推介），他已经咳嗽快一个月了，我非但没有关心，还为了你哭了几天。我应该多注意他，关心他。

翻了翻fb,你说你看了 FF7，幸好刚才我没有同意要去，不然撞见你们，我的’面具‘就会破功了。好不容易，得知自己无法忘记，放下你，就尝试适应这样的活着（和它并进），现在得以让自己正常的活着。我不想我的保护膜还没准备好，又受‘攻击’。

结果，虽然sk还是很怀疑得看着我 （不敢相信这个面前的我跟早上那个是同一个人），不过起码我们是有说有笑的回家。这刻，我知道我做对了。

其实，得知你的 status后，我不敢去逛街，我害怕撞见，真的很怕。我想离开这里，我知道我无法面对，无法释怀，我只能选择逃避。我肯定，因为经验所至。

我不哭了，因此我笑得更大声。

永别了，我最爱的你

自从Dec 2014 你说你想追一位女生， 我就开始荷尔蒙失调， 经期来了整个月， 一直头晕，见了gynae，他建议我试用yaz避孕药来调， 他说这是最少副作用的药物。他说的副作用是肥胖和饮食的改变。刚开始，我半信半疑的开始实用， 没想到发生在我身上的副作用竟然是皮肤干燥导致皮肤发痒。我开始服用感冒药来解决面对的皮肤发痒问题，结果我开始过着浮浮沉沉的日子，因为药物drowsy的关系。 一个月过去了，我想放弃，我撑得很累，大不了就一直来经。可是sk很支持我，本来我们轮流开车，他却选择自己开车，让我在车上睡觉。我也告诉你，不要再更新你的消息了，我发现我无法面对这些后果，你也默默的接受。吃了这个药，我的情绪开始失控， 时不时就拿sk开刀。他也是人， 有时他当我发神经，不理睬我； 有时，他会把我骂哭。也难怪，试问有谁可以面对，三不五时，找他麻烦的女朋友。之后的那次吵架，我把他‘逐出’了我的朋友名单，为了逃避他的监视。

终于，也就是今天 - 四月五日，我最后一天的药了。就在昨天-四月四日，你简讯告诉我，你交往了。得知这消息后，原本昏昏沉沉的我，突然泪如雨下，像世界末日一样，就快把心脏哭出来，也在社交网站贴出很emo，为了你很崩溃的讯息。有心的朋友们都纷纷来安慰我，我跟sk共同的朋友，就暗示着我这样说着对ex的眷恋对sk有有欠公平。也因此我的经期又开始多了，腹部开始剧痛，这三个月控制着的症状都出现了。我的眼睛哭肿了，我把自己封闭了。我以为的康复原来只是这样，只是潜伏在记忆某个角落。

其实，有天我走进一家餐馆， 惊见貌似你父母的背影，我吓得后退，心神不宁我就知道自己不妥。借由你的status更新让我狠狠倒下。一直以来，我知道我们无法回去从前了，毕竟我伤害了你。我找着非得回到你身边的理由，也没有，完全没有。就算我从sk身上明白了，你是多么的爱我，宠我，纵容我，包容我，我也因为原则问题，无法回去你身边。还爱不爱你？答案肯定是爱。回不回去你身边？答案还是不能。我们当初会分开，不是因为不爱，而是我在你身上看不到未来，得不到婚姻安全感，你当时的注意都放在bersih，rotary, lynas......你的安危让我压力很大，你的不顾家，让我很没有安全感。

回过头来，我发现sk再不比你包容我，在这期间，他都是呆在我身边，看着我哭，一语不发，拍拍我的背，拿着手帕擦干我的眼泪，让我睡着了，才离开。第二天，会来我家监视我的饮食，就算我不吃，也会带我常会去的餐厅，看看我是否找得到食欲，要不然就会逼我吃上几口。当我情绪比较稳定了，在慢慢开导我。回想起来，都是sk默默忍受，陪伴着我这段没有你的日子。既然你已经拥有了你的她，我不用担心你了。我想我可以真正死心了，好好培养对sk的感情。

永别了，最爱的你。

Spectacles- this is how you protect me

Ever since i took out the spectacles he bought for me, i felt like i'm watching him. Why did i took out the spec? Coz i cried for few hours the night before, thus my eyes were swollen like a frog. I got to 'hide' myself behind something. Now, i'm taking it out again while blogging, I felt you!

 

So, i choose to hide behind 'you', like how i always did. The spec you bought me when you got yourself a new spec. Actually, my eyes was fine, but in order to be compatible with you, i request a spec. In the end, you bought me this computer lens - to protect my tiring eyes. However, the spec doesn't only protect my eyes from computer screen. It also take his role as shed for my swollen eyes. After we broke up, i did not cry for first few months. I was fine, totally fine. I felt relief, i felt the freedom, my foot step is light and carefree, i still live on with my routines as usual, until the month of Dec  - the anniversary month, our first Christmas, the month i fall in love with you through how you protect me at Portuguese Settlement. I went Portuguese Settlement again......without you by my side. I passby every corner we went through, the memories flew through my mind like it happen yesterday. I was still fine until you told me, you spent your count down date with a girl. I felt heartache, my heart is bleeding. At that moment, i started to feel and realise that we are apart, we are no longer togther. We used to count down, spent any festival together ( i'm the one who insist to celebrate every festival). Ever after we broke up in June 2013, i don't celebrate any festival anymore. I don't feel the need anymore. What i regret the most is - i did not record every moment, every festival that we went through these far, only memories you left, and i know memories will fade away, It is just a matter of time. Sooner or later, you will get on with your new life holding new partner's hand and so do i.

 

I used to imagine, how would i behave if i ran into you on the street one day with your loved one. Will i ran off? Will i step forward and smile with you? Do i have any encouragement to do so? or i will stunned there? Or i would hope i'm not a lone soul.

 

I knew, you will only move on when i got my happiness (i believe on what you promised, in facts, i'm regret for you to promise)

 

No matter how far i go, you are the only one I LOVE DEEPLY. I will still love you until you found someone to love you like i did. By that time, i hope you will get your happiness, move on, have own kids (remember, let your kids grow like how they should be, don't insist on sending your boys to taekwando, don't get yout nightmare on them, i believe, they won't get bully coz they have you - just like how you protect me) but please do not forget me. Please keep me at a corner of your heart. 

A familiar stranger

Once, we were lovely couple, but we were now stranger to each other .

 

10 months passed.... physically i left Malacca but my soul and mind stay where we belong and where we went. I knew we are over, our memories are past tense. I chose to go, i have to go, for career development, for my future and for my goodness sake.

 

One of a sign of destiny, we are both driving a car with road tax expired on each other birth date, It wasn't put it on purposes. It is just destiny. If you believe, then there is. However, destiny know it meant nothing to us now, Therefore, we are giving them (the cars) up in Apr and May 2014 respectively. I'm pretty sure, this is also destiny to call off our fate for this life.  I'm glad for you and at the same time, i'm upset as you move on without our memories - the car that carries all of our memories, our first meet, our first trip, our first date, our first prom, our first movie date, our first supper, our first Christmas eve, our new year.........

 

Life goes on with our own new car. Driving the old car, can no longer match us up, patch us back. Time won't reverse. Within a year, our destiny changed drastically and totally.

 

We are now stranger, familiar stranger. I love you, stranger.

Happy 27th Birthday

Counting down to my new journey of 27th is one of the most cruel thing im ever have. However, for the sake of presents, I open my arm and welcome it. Happy Birthday To myself^^ and thanks to mum for giving birth me.

I'm upgraded

I'm upgraded. 14012013 marked this important date.

我没病

再过30分钟就是5年半了。可是我们还在谈分手。这次，真的是很大的打击， 我承受不起。我吃不下， 睡不下。我的心很痛，眼泪不能控制。我好累，我好难过，我真的好难过。 给妈妈打电话， 妈妈说，'下星期你回来，我带你去看医生'。妈妈上一次说这句话是在七年前。