Granpa, rest in peace

How is the feel when you are looking at doctors are emergency rescue your closed relative, like grandpa? Imagine the machine that checking his pulse was beside him. The doctors looked so uneasy, grandpa still don't have any response. Although we are not allowed to look at them, but i peeped. i know what is the worst outcome. i just hope miracle can come, but after that my grandpa did not wake up since that. i can't really know who am i d? people ask me, who is he inside the room? I can't really answer, at the same time i don't know what should i do now? All iin my mind just hoping that this scene shouldn't happen in my mind, maybe im still sleeping....i haven't wake up. my mum keep calling me, when i go fetch them, the scene i saw is.......everyone was crying sadly. The first question in my mind is 'a-gong, why u sleep without pillow? you will get hurt one, the neck will sprained. My mind is all blank, don't what has happen in few minutes. Untill now i haven't accept the truth he has leave us. My only regret is 'grandpa haven't look at me nicely before he leave'. i was with him in the afternoon but he can't open his eyes ady. He just calling my name. It seems like he has things to talk to me, just that his words are so blur i really can't understand, until today i also dunno and i know i won't get answer forever. Even when he is sleeping in the coffin, i still can't accept his leaving. I wil still hope that he can open his eyes look at me. Last time newspaper did say some people might come to live although they are died. But the miracle won't happen. It disappoited me twice, my grandpa did not come alive. How's my grandpa's life now? I hope that no one will bully him, and he has friends acompany him aside.

Good luck for your legal attachment

What’s happen? I can’t sleep at all. Is it because I have sleep too much for the past few days? I think so. I have been sleep for about 12 hours per day since I came back from Malacca.

Last few days, I emotional again. I even throw all my temper on him. But he seem won’t mind at all. On Friday night, I was throwing my temper on him, asking him bring back my laptop for me right now…….so is it obvious I’m really emotional? Of course I was just saying only. I won’t really want him to bring that to me. I don’t want him to fetch me back because I don’t want to feel so inferior when he was on the way back home, I keep thinking what will happen to him…blabblablablablabla……..Am I thinking too much? Or you can say that I’m concern about him? Ya, indeed. I am.

On Saturday night, about 9pm, I was at my father’s shop, I saw his incoming call. At first I still hesitated to answer the call, but I did answer at last. You know what he told me ….? ‘I’m at Muar now. Wait for me for 5 minutes; I will stand in front of you…!’ My respond was ‘WHAT?!’ Wonder what has happen I feel so excited? Eh, didn’t that I still angry with him? Why I so excited to meet him? When I meet him, I told him what has happen to me, he just answer that ‘you need some security’……I think he’s right. He purposely come Muar just to give me security. Thanks, if not I don’t think I will realized what will happen to me and my holiday. I thought he has all cartoons and games in his mind. I never think that he still concern about me until he can sacrifice his game and cartoon time. He told me that cartoon and game can be played anytime. But if I’m in the bad mood, he will be there for me. Omg, so touching…..

Today is his first day for legal attachment. Actually is 17^th October. However, he insisted to go today. Ok, since he has the enthusiasm let him be. I wonder what he has learned today…. (Hehe, is it treat like he is a child?) I just wonder how the progressing is. I dare not to call him until 4.45pm. I sms him. He said he will be ‘released’ soon. Haha….so happy for him. (Don’t know why so happy for him) he said he was so tired after the whole day work. He has to study all kinds of cases, long cases some more. So hurt to hear that. I ask him to rest more. I believe tomorrow will be an exhausted day also. Take care, my dear. You will get through this because you have my support.

argument.....

Nowadays, we keep argue over small matter. i wonder what has happen to us. he said i always minimize what good things he did but maximize what mistake he did!! Am i? Ok, i admit sometimes i will. I can say i hate the time comes when we need to apart....i really dun wan that to happen. So, i put all my hope and high expectation on every dating we have. I dun wan any imperfect thing happen in our dating as what i have set in my mind. i put high expectation on how well is the dating we have for every dating. But i realized the more i plan, the more i hope, the more disappointed i get. Like today, after his last paper, we are in the best mood of all. As what we plan, he go shopping with me at Mahkota Parade. i realized he was so not in the mood at all. ok, i understand maybe he has exhausted due to the final, disappointment happen in my mind d. ok never mind, i go back earlier so that he can rest earlier. Unexpectedly, once i told him i wanna go back home, he become so energetic. i wonder what has happen.....after a while only that i realized he can go back home for gaming d. sad....sad..... after that i realized he was gaming outside the whole night. Am i really too emo? Am i wrong to have more happy memories with him before his legal attachment and the Thailand trip? I plan a lot of things during the moment before he went for legal attachment, he has only few days before that. when i hint that i wanna go eye on Malaysia with him, hoping that he can plan on this. Again, out of expectation, he asked me to go ask friend where is the place...blablablablabla...... I might as well go by myself. Disappointment again. When u sad, what u hope your bf to say to u? Will u hope your bf said 'cry....cry...cry again, cry also cant help u much. cry for what? since u are in sad mood d, he answer this, what will happen? will u be very very sad until stop crying not because of happy d, is because have hate behind that d. u must be VERY HATE yourself that u express to him. As a return he did not console you, he did not help u but teasing you, what will u feel? will u feel very stupid at that time? Then maybe you will think that 'i have nobody else can depends on?' Wonder will you still express your sad to him next time? Will u? What has happen to our relationship? Maybe some distance we need now to maintain the relationship, that's why God arrange the legal attachment and Thailand trip for us. I might as well accept all this. And this is the only thing i can do now. Nothing else i can do for this relationship.

~Happy Holiday~

Yeah, holiday now. Another meaning is final exam over d. i can say i nearly give up this final due to some personal problems. At that time, one of my friend who considered as always burn midnight oil, urging me to study. she herself also cant tahan anymore. Then u can imagine how depressing i am at that time. But im really lucky to have such a friend to wake me up at that time. If not i think i will extend one year or supp paper d. Finally, all exam is over. All i expect is my holiday. I will plan for myself. kp cant accompany me this holiday because of legal attachment. So this is the holiday plan for myself....i do hope i cant live better this holiday.

Make A Wish

Blog is the place to make a wish? will u believe that? ya, u sure, although some how i dun really agree. but here is the example in reality........ Linhui juz publish her temptating famous amos in blog,dunno how long d, but i guess not more than one month gua, and she get two famous amos so far......wah, so envy la. so coincidentally, or i can say in so many ways ....se get them.....sumore show off to me?! hehe, of course not la. even she belanja me with fer most favourite famous amos. i can say i like it so much too. juz that the price is damn 'nice to see, nice to touch, but once U BUY, consider BANKCRUPT'..... Then i ask her, if im post it in my blog too, will i get some famous amos too?....she laugh and look at me again, but say nothing...hehe...she always like that....she seem love to smile, in my past experience, she is always so cheerful, so envy....she is always so optimistic.hehe.....but somehoe for me, i understand TOO OPTIMISTIC is not that good....hehe..... hope i can get 'famous amos' also......hehe.....she said bf can buy for me but the thing is he did not go kl la. linhui le....got a lot of kl friends le...so lucky....

笨事！！！

考试开始了。当然会紧张，因为没有准备啊？今天考的那张不知道会不会过关。 烦恼极了。在他家开了一场钢琴 ‘狂疯’会，什么都发泄出来了。回到家，看到linhui寄给我的email笑到翻了，马上转寄给朋友们。。。反应很好，每个人都说好笑，只有他说 'is nothing'....then...hahaha....什么嘛！！！！ 朋友的personal message写着。。。‘墨爾本唐人街得好多餐廳都在播 楊宗緯的背叛哦 ’，以为是大马羽球选手作了什么背叛事，本人很久没看报纸了，不知道。马上问那位朋友。。。他的回应是。。。？？？？然后说，楊宗緯是台湾著名的歌手，歌名叫背叛，他都快疯了。还说，‘拜托你，多些常识吧！！什么嘛!!!误会嘛！！！知道后就笑翻天了。想着他考试很压力吧？现在一定在拼书了。。。说给他听吧！接了电话，语气果然很累，就告诉他，刚开始还有反应，笑笑笑。。。我说到很起劲时，他什么反应也没有了，奇怪？告诉自己他正专心听着，期待还有什么吧？就听见他在打键盘的声音，接着，他 ’啊‘，一声！！我知道，他没听我在说什么，他在打机。我还以为他读书读到很累了！！！ 突然，变成笨蛋。。。。。

我要的不是这样。。。

心情好矛盾？好奇怪。。。都不知要怎么办了？看来他真的要去泰国了。。。本以为他不会去。。为什么别去好呢？去了不是更好吗？我不知道。。我想应该是我不想失去他，泰国时常暴乱，我很担心，他不明白。。。他要去。。。说对将来会有帮助，不然会后悔。一听到 ‘后悔’，我就怕了，我不希望他后悔。。。 昨天有try out，其实，我很想趁机阻止他去，可是最终我没有，我让他选择，若他认为这很重要，我无话可说。很紧张他有没有通过。。。他却说今天才公布。他说有一些人选择退出，我用希望的眼神看着他，他说他不会。。。我的心冷了一阵，好冷。他为这几天的冷战作了努力，他用蜡烛排出 ‘i love u, i do' 的样子，其实我很感动，我又哭了，他牺牲了他的早餐到处找蜡烛，又在刚才傍晚，温习后，赶出来的作品。可是，我的心已经冻着了，没有太大的表情写在脸上。 我本来以为这个泰国识辨没什么的。没想到，我的改变会这么大，就连我自己也不知道，我似乎在担心这，担心那。。。疑心病很重，哭了好几晚，几乎每晚都对妈妈哭诉，她要我把功课为中心，可是我快崩溃了，我每天都活得不是自己，越来越担心失去他。。。他没察觉，还做些让我更崩溃的事。考试到了，可我的心只有他，他却因为考试而似乎遗忘了我的存在。。。 可能对他的期待太高了，难免希望他会以我为中心，会以我为先。。。所以我时常会失望。。。 我要的不是弥补。。。不是离开。。。