我要叛逆!!!!!!

叛逆!!!你曾经叛逆过吗? 每个人都叛逆过吗? 我相信我还没叛逆过, 印象里我以前的生活都是很循规蹈矩的, 大人们说的什么不好的事情我都会避开, 避免自己受伤, 让自己远离伤害.步我以为一直以来我这么做是对的, 真的. 别人都说人生如戏, 戏如人生, 所以我都看戏, 学习社会上的人生百态. 以为自己学会保护自己, 不让自己受伤, 我的人生回忆里就完美无缺. 第一次, 第一次发现自己是错的. 如果黑色代表受伤, 我的人生是张不完整的图画, 只有白色, 亮色, 开心的颜色, 没有黑色, 认为很好, 对吧? 开始时, 我也是这样认为的,不我待可是当你发现没有了黑色, 原来我的图画不特出, 只是淡淡的素色.原来黑色可以把我的画显得更特别. 大多数人叛逆期在几岁呢? 22岁可以叛逆吗? 我真的觉得我的生活就少了那么点黑色. 我知道过去不是错, 可是那些甜蜜的话, 亲密的称呼, 的确深深刺进我的心里. 当我发现我不该发现的事情, 我后悔主动帮你整理电脑的资料库, 你说都过去了, 你恨, 你不再在意, 可是你却秘密收着你们的回忆. 那些甜蜜的话, 亲密的称呼, 让我失去方向, 后悔莫及. 我明白已经过去了, 但是在现在发现的话, 是真的过去, 还是还有遗情? 她没有接到你的电话, 你就很紧张, 关心她. 我不是说你不对, 对当时的你来说, 是对的. 可是, 现在的你, 不是这样的, 我只是在冲凉, 没接到你的电话, 你马上生气了, 说我故意不接你电话, 到底怎么了. 我以为这是你太紧张我了. 可是, 当我发现, 原来以前你对她, 是那么的用心, 关心. 到底为什么? 你说过当时的你也是很专一的. 是我不接受心理的答案, 还是我相信你能给我更好的回答. 你说她不专一, 可是你对她这么的好; 我对你不够专一吗? 那, 为什么你对我总是缺乏耐心呢? 我就那么不值得你用心吗? p/s: 考试后才叛逆吧!

I need transport!!!!!

I did not go back this week as both my parents refused and kp also seem like not really agree. So i might as well just stay at Ixora blindly and boringly. Last time the time i dun have any bf or transport i can survive, now i dun think i can survive without transport, i feel like going somewhere else to release my tension. But i cnt go anywhere, i request for a car at least at the time he did not use it like this time, ( he went PC fair part time work) Cant he at least borrow his car for me of i were o go anywhere, not just keep staying at Ixora just like that? It is damn boring that he will never understand, i shouldnt listen to them, i should at least go back home. i feel so boring and no appetite at all. Friday, the food court still open so at least i tapao back some food, saturday the food court was like only few stalls open, i dun feel like eating, i might just as well eat biscuits for breakfast and lunch, for my dinner, i asked my roomate to tapao for me, unfortunately, i wonder how the person who do the cooking, the rice all burn, i cant eat at all, cant they have a bit healthy common sense. This burn fried rice sure cause cancer if i finish it all up. No choice if i dun wan get gastric outbreaking. i choose to eat a bit. My mum called, although she knew my condition, but she cant do anything. It's not her fault, is my fault not to insist. Sunday, i wake up at about 11-12pm, i dun feel like wake up actually but i found out no point to stay on bed for the whole day, so i might as well wake up and looking for the light for my life. As i mentioned i wake up at 12pm, so the time i have cereal drink for my breakfast is also the time for lunch. Then i listen to songs and watched "1 litres of tears' for the how many times, i also dunno d. Why should i watch that drama? interesting? Indeed, it is but that is not the main point, it is just because i wanna remind myself, im not that pathetic, i am luckier, although is a bit pathetic to look for this reason but it at least minimize my miserable, i do find a way out for my Sunday. p/s: i need transport badly

Granc Gala- Law Night 2008

As stated earlier, i already in the Hair Studio D'FINO at about 3.30pm with accompaniment of YQ, but waited for about 30 minutes for my turns. And by time finish styling my hair and makeup, it was already 630pm, Omg, i have used up 3 hours to make myself prettier (i can said, i quite satisfy with the new hair style)

" Front view "

" this is the hair style view from behind"

By the time i almost done my make up, Kp already reached at the D'FINO. He looked so blur as he walked around to look for me, i was looking at him when i still doing my makeup, when he found me, he was like......OMG.....he looked at me for several times and laughed there. After finishing all the processes, i went upstairs to change my dress. YQ helped me in dressing and the scarf.

Along the way to the Renaissance Melaka Hotel, i took some photos in the car.

" Took inside the car, on the way to Renaissance Hotel "

" Gazing bling bling "

At about 730pm , we reached there, there are a lot of people, gather at the lobby and shooting the photos here and there. I was so alone, Kp took photos with his friends, i was just like a strangers there (although i am, especially for the Law students). Anyway, i took some photos with his friends too.

Xiao Tong & Me

" Kp & Yichong"

" KP & his gangs"

"Kp & his friends"

" Jason & me, OMG he is so tall "

" Kp & his friend who is from Muar "

" Kp & Ivan "

" Kp & Ugendren "

The ceremony is held at the 7th floor. At about 745pm, everyone went up to the 7th floor to continue their photo sessions. At about 8.30pm only that the VVIPs all arrived, it has been late for one hour, the Granc Gala supposed to be started at 730pm. The event starts with a band
somehow i don't really like the band because the band make the event i attend was a concert not really a prom night. The master of ceremony is from Flyfm. The band played the music and sang by a guy. Somehow the guy's voice is not bad. However some incident happened, a pir of girl and guy dance intimacy in front of the stage which is also in front of the lecturers, lawyers and HIgh Court Judge. Omg, how they can behave so intimacy in front of the VVIPs?

" Kp & i sat at the table No 8 "

After that, the dinner served in way of buffet, such as sweet sour fish, sotong, chicken, vegetables, dessert, cakes, mushroom soup and some crunchy keropoks. There was such a long queue, luckily i queued up earlier.

Then the Legal Idiol starts to show their 'outstanding capabilities' on the stage, there are 8 contestants chosen from the audition. one of the contestant is Prashan (Kp's friend) with No4. Do u know how the legal idiol been chosen? the contestant who get the highest amount of donation will be the legal idiol and the donation will goes to charity. I wonder what kind of voting method is this. The highest amount is RM 95+. So u can imagine how terrible is the amount they will go for charity.

" Prashan's performance, contestant No 4 "

After a while, i went to the washroom, by the time i walked out from the hall, the smoke frightened me, as it was like the hotel was on fire. Then Kp told me, it was because a lot of ppl smoke outside. OMG, when i passed through gents, a lot of smoke came out from it; inside the ladies, majority of them are patching their makeup.

" we took when the event still on going "

" The crystal goose is made of ice, placed near the entrance"

" Our signature that we were here before "

" Sneak off to take photos during the event "

" 2nd posture "

The events ended at about 12am, Almost all VVIPs stayed until the end of the events. This is some kind if fuss over common slight. We were told there will be a dance floor, but unfortunately there is not.

" The entrance ticket"

" This is the scene near Renaissance Hotel's entrance "

" When the event ended"

p/s: I satisfied with my performance on that day

失去信心了!!!! Cont......

我终于明白为什么我一直这么的紧张.....

时间到了, 我的室友YQ陪我去, 我告诉她我好紧张, 她很不明白, 不一会儿, 有一个女生进来, 我傻了一眼 (她是上次害我和男朋友意见不合的人, 某人的前任), 心想怎么会这么巧呢? 为什么? 我的心跳得更快了. 我紧张的原因似乎也越来越清楚了, 原来我有预感, 我会遇到不该遇到的人; 第二, 我担心我的装扮会怎样, 因此而更担心了, 紧张得不得了.

没一会儿, 造型师叫我过去, 我一直问他, 要看晚装吗? 有什么发型适合我呢? 头发会坏吗? ..........
我真的很担心, 造型结果会出乎意料之外的糟糕, 我真的会疯的, 以前每一次做发型, 没有一次像现在这样担心, 真的!!! 原来, 帮我设计头发的是这间店的老板, 也是几间分行的老板, 还有一间是在麻坡. 老板在忙时, 就又另一为男子帮我, 我真的很害怕, 我一而再, 再而三地提醒他, 老板说的发型, 你懂吧? 他马上跑去确定, 还我的心跳更快了. 说真的, 每当发型师在帮我弄每一根头发, 我就一直瞪着不放, 担心他有一丝丝的错误, 虽然我知道, 他们会清楚自己在做什么, 可是, 我就是一直地问, 一直地提醒. 当那男子已经完成弄卷的部分, 我开始后悔, 为什么我没有阻止他.........就在这时候老板来了, 他马上做完剩下的部分, 没一会儿, 我真正的发型就出现了, 坦白说, 我很满意, 虽然跟上次的发型有些一样, 但是我比较喜欢这次的发型, 终于我的心跳没有这么糟糕了.

当我在化妆时, 另一个女生进来 (当然, 之前有很多人进出) 感觉很可怕, 心跳开始加速, 完全不懂为什么, 心想---不会那么邪门吧? 问一问YQ, 她说她不认识. 没一会儿, 男朋友就进来了, 他看来找不到我, 当时化妆的过程也要完成了. 第一次感觉, 我们的步伐这么巧 (虽然, 有些人会认为没什么, 但是我就是特别在意, 我喜欢有默契的那种感觉) 当他发现我时, 他先下一跳, 接着就大笑, 心想-没这么糟糕吧? (虽然我还没有看到化妆后的样子) . 化完妆之后, 我马上问他, 那个女生是谁? 他说, 就是那个华人好朋友的前任, 我的心顿时停了几秒 (怎么, 今天那么邪门, 两个最不想见到的人, 都在同一个地点, 时间, 还会在等一下的场合遇到) 她漂亮吗? 我还是不懂.

我转过头, 马上去换衣服, 什么都不再能思考, 我只知道, 我真的要马上离开这个地方. 我发现我一面换着衣服, 一面发抖, 我明白了, 我的紧张又升级了. YQ在外面一直催我, 似乎我进去已经很久了. 其实另一个原因也是因为我不敢出来. 没一会儿, 头低着走出来, 男朋友和YQ都称赞我漂亮, 可是我的发抖还是没有减低. 弄好衣服, 听了他们的意见, 拍了几张照片, 就下楼了 (在楼上换衣). 我什么也不要看, 马上走向柜台还钱, 我相信, 当时的柜台要求多少钱, 我都会付的, 我只想马上离开. 坦白说, 我真的很感谢YQ 陪我, 帮我调衣服, 陪我大半天, 还一直安慰我, 说我希望的答案, 真的. 她牺牲休息的时间, 花了三小时多陪我.

YQ, 谢谢你.

在会场里的, 我会在详细解说.

GRANC GALA 在半夜十二点才结束. 在卸妆前, 我对着镜子看自己, 感觉自己很委屈, 委屈的泪就不由自主地流下了, 感觉就真的很委屈. 我没有真正享受晚宴的喜悦, 我只是一直在掩饰自己的缺点, 怕的只是男朋友有那么一点的动作或语言, 暗示或明示我不漂亮. 我看着镜子, 头脑里只有一个句子-我到底哪里输她了? 我到底哪里输她了? 我到底哪里输她了? 我到底哪里输她了?....................!!!! 我真的不明白, 真的不明白, 我到底那里输了, 我的自信怎么不见了?! 男朋友的话为什么就能这么的影响我?! 而且还影响了六天了. 我几乎天天都被这事情烦着......谁能救我呢? 虽说解铃还需系铃人, 但是这次我怎么都不觉得男朋友能救到我 ......怎么办?!!!

看来我只有自救的办法, 希望我能找到有效的方法来解决问题!!!

P/S: 男朋友, 请别再用任何暗示或明示的方法来伤害我了, 我接受不来, 真的没有下次了, 我没办法在接受什么打击了, 我相信当我被推向绝路时, 我真的会走上绝路的. 请记得, 请请请请请记得!!!!!

失去信心了!!!!

再多三十分钟, 就要去弄头发了, 不知为什么, 我好紧张. 想了很久, 到底怎么了? 真的一点头绪也没有. 会不会是我担心等一下发型不适合我, 又让他看到不漂亮的我呢? 我是介意他的眼光吗? 还是, 我受伤太深, 害怕再受伤多一次. 说实在的, 我真的很紧张, 很害怕. 那次的受伤, 像是刻在心里一样, 一碰到就痛, 很怕再动到这伤口. 等一下的我, 会是怎样的呢? 我比谁都还要担心....真的...... 还有, 晚上的Law Night会有很多人在那儿,听说有很多认识的人, 要是我紧张, 会不会吐呢? 我是越来越没有信心了. 我开始很担心自己会怎样. 会有再次的伤害吗? 我怕受伤害.....

烦恼的我以及不漂亮的我

好久没有写部落格了. 今天总算能够逼自己写一些身边发生的事情了. 感觉好烦, 不知道怎么了, 一点温书的心情也没有, 虽然星期四才考试, 可是我已经承受不起考不好的打击了. 下星期一至星期四都有活动, 我要在这声明, 那可不是我自愿要参加的, 我是被逼的, 我一点兴奋, 开心的感觉也没有, 我只想逃离那个活动, 考试就在星期四, 我要怎么应付呢? 我能应付吗? 我真的不太清楚, 真的!!! 不知是谁定下的拉所有华乐的理事都得负责一个项目, 相信我, 这件事是我在答应成为秘书后才知道的, 我只想学习秘书的工作范围, 真的一点都没有想过要负责什么活动, 他们硬要我拿一个, 为了闭上他们那张嘴, 为了避免她那可怕又咄咄逼人的眼神, 我成为工委, 没想到, 会这么巧, 与考试撞期. 坦白说, 我不是带着玩玩的心态进华乐的, 我是真的想学习, 想为华乐作出贡献, 所以, 为了专心于华乐. 我退掉IVAQ-PROGRAM DIRECTOR, 因为我很清楚自己的能力范围, 我不能有太多的工作在身上. 在事业与兴趣之间, 我选择了兴趣-华乐的秘书. 可是, 现在的情形, 让我对华乐彻底的死心了, 我对华乐一点感觉也没有了. 这让我想起来, '不要把兴趣变成一项工作, 你会失去这兴趣的', 这证实发生在我的身上了. 我对华乐没有任何热诚了, 所有的兴趣, 已经不在了. 看来当初, 为了弥补在钢琴里得到的伤害, 在华乐里始终没能再回来了. 我错了. 我做错选择了. 星期一, 他伤害了我, 他对我说了一句我曾要求过, 别再提起的人, 我真的是一而再, 再而三地要求, 我很明白, 我们的感情会因为这原因而受影响的, 所以我怕他忘记, 尽量不要提起他的校园生活, 我尽量只聊戏里的情节, 当我们正聊得开心, 他说了一句话 '虽然她很漂亮, 可是性格很糟糕; 虽然你很_______, 可是内心很善良' 空格里是什么, 想必每个人都可以知道的. 请问那些在听到你男朋友说这句话之后, 没有反应的有谁? 她真的很美吗? 坦白说, 我有看过这个人, 可是我就是不记得她的样子, 我的脑似乎可以删除那些不该在我印象里的人的样子, 我一点也记不起她到底长什么样子. 可是, 自从他见过她之后就似乎都没有忘记过的一分钟, 什么事情有关系到美, 他的例子就是她. 我承认我很自私, 会吃醋. 可是, 有谁能忍受, 自己的男朋友, 一开始跟自己在一起, 从来没有说过, 我漂亮之类的话, 我是女生, 我需要赞赏的, 尤其是来自男朋友的. '原来你很漂亮' 这句话, 也是他在friendster公开了我们的关系之后, 他的朋友写给他的comment 里, 他才这么说的. 刚开始, 我还沾沾自喜原来自己是漂亮的, 也没想过他是在什么情况下说出来的. 他还说恋爱中的女生是会变得漂亮的. 为什么在我这一年多里多次为他的打扮都不及他对她的一眼闪过, 我不是太失败了吗? 我其实不爱打扮, 只是有时会因为要与他出门约会而悉心打扮一下, 只求他的一句称赞, 多看我一眼, 会为我感到光荣. 可是, 当时他的那句话, 抹杀了我的期望, 抹杀了我心里漂亮的想法, 美妙的期待. 我不会说我的心碎了, 不值得, 真的不值得. 当时我的头脑什么也不能想, 只是平常都对辣椒敏感的我, 猛吃sambal, sambal似乎什么味道也没有, 一滴眼泪也没流下, 一句话也没说. 没想到, 他竟然说我把事闹大, 我真的什么也没说. 那是我第二次吃辣椒, 之前一次, 处于分手的阶段时, 我吃washabi, 的确.......什么味道也没有, 只有胃在受伤. 这次, 我没有避开他, 一样见面, 一样吃饭, 一样说话, 只是多了一份距离感, 我没有亲切的问候, 包含爱意的谈话, 只有冷淡的一颗心. 我冷下来了, 没想到这段时间的付出, 得到的只是内在美的受承认. 不象前面几次的意见不和, 大哭一场就会心平气和, 这次我没有哭.....因为哭也没用. 之前的争吵, 我只是因为他把我完美无缺的童话世界涂鸦而生气, 我大可以把它忘记, 檫掉那些不美的回忆, 重新开始再创造美丽的回忆; 但是, 现在这件事不一样, 它不是, 我要忘记就忘记的回忆, 它不是回忆, 它是事实, 事实!!! 我不要接受都不行, 不行!!!样貌能怎么改得让他第一眼就觉得漂亮呢? 这是他的看法, 我不能一一得紧跟着, 我会累的.

Midterm Break Coming

Actually my midterm end on Wednesday, i am supposed to go bac on Wed, and i can be sure i am more than willing to go bac on Wed as i have been stay here for 3 weeks d. However, i stay here for him because he hope to bring me to his grandparents' house before i go bac, so i wait for him since just 2 days later and i can gave him moral support for his midterm on Friday. Lh gave me a very good excuse to stay here when i am hesitating, lh accompany me go shopping on Thurs. This is the second time i shop v her. I still remember last time when i shopped with her, i found out we have different taste, she prefer electronic stuff and im not. So, when she mentioned she wanna shopped for clothes and shoes, i thought something with my ears. Surpringly, we shopped happily that day. Thanks to her, i entered a branded shop which i never noticed this shop and dun even know there is this kind of shop in mp. Thanks to her, i bought a white colar shirt with favourite design which i found quite a long time d and i thought that was just my imagination, no such design will appeared at the market. She rank up my interest to shop. Thanks