'why u seem like very rude to me recently'

'why u seem like very rude to me recently' why? why? why? i keep asking myself also, actually i dun like to behave rude to anyone, include him. however, i cant even control myself, we chat, chat and chat, then so suddenly i feel frustrated and showed my angers to him. i dunno why i behave like that too. is it because im deep in my heart i still angry with all those mistake made by him? i still cant forget about it or leave it? i cant make myself to trust him anymore, i dunno how long it will last, but at least for the time being, i cant, i cant. i have lost the faith and trust between us.

Broken Wings

i still couldnt let it go..........

this few days, i still went out v him, makan v him. the only thing i realized is, im using another identity to be with him, i just avoid myself from remember all those cruel memories, but if im failed, my tears will burst out on spot. it is very amazing one.

i knew he tries his best to make me happy, to twist the situation into better. im sorry, it all seem doesnt work. i just couldnt back to the used me. i just cant.

i believe, every girl in love is an angel from heaven, they willing to break their wings just to stay beside their loved, when they faced problems, they couldnt go back to where they used to be, the only thing they can go is just hiding themselves in a dark hole and trying hard to heal the wound. even when the wound healed, the scar will still there to be seen as they really put in a lot of effort for their loved one. in their mind, they keep imagine how pretty the love is, until they willing to make the first step and give up their wings to go for it. however, they will finally realizd that the love they imagine is not the love in reality. So, no matter how regret they are, they just cant get bac their wings again, the only thing they can do now is only looking at their broken wings with broken heart.

p/s: the wings will never fix back again.

为自己负责

你有没有一而再， 再而三地帮助某人， 而感到挫败的经验？为什么会觉得挫败呢? 是不是因为他并没有因此改变， 对吗？

如果你在帮助某人， 而他还是老样子， 甚至每况愈下， 那你最好静下来想一想， 你这样做真的在帮他吗？ 还是在阻碍他？

我了解在生命当中总有某些人让人担忧， 让人放心不下。或许他们正误入歧途， 做错了某些事， 他们正伤害着自己， 而这一切就发生在你眼前， 叫你无法袖手旁观。的确， 帮助别人并没有错。 但是你有没有想过， 你的帮助， 真的是在‘帮助’他吗？

如果你对他有帮助的话， 那么现在他应该不再需要帮助了， 对吗？反之， 如果他仍旧没变， 他仍需要你的帮助， 那就表示你的帮助对他并没有帮助， 你的帮助甚至阻碍了他的成长， 这既是你挫败的原因。

大家必须明白，每个人都有自己的路要走，都要为自己的生命负责。如果你不让别人为自己负责， 他们就不会负起责任；如果你把他们应该做的事全都做了， 他们就学不会该怎么做了；如果你老是当别人的拐杖， 那他们永远就站不起来。

你可以牵一头驴到水边， 但你无法强迫它喝水。我们无法解决不是我们自己的问题， 我们也永远无法改变一个不想改变的人。所以， 为什么不让他们学习去面对自己的问题？ 让他们学会为自己负责呢？

摘至 《忘了总比记得好》

IVAQ 2009

i have accepted the director post of External Division for IVAQ 2009. It is really a large challenge for me, but i do hope i can learn more before i graudate. Ganbatte yo.

Boiling Point

i have been sick for one whole week, meaning to say i have 'Skip' the class for one whole week as well. It is all too sudden for me, On Monday Night, i still having my 'liangteh' before i sleep. In a sudden, i feel sore throat, sound all changed, i quickly go boil 'ganmaocha'. As a result, i cant sleep the whole night then sick and cant get up at all. At the same time, my bf also vomitting and consult v doc at the night. Eh, sound weird right? ya lo, we were ok during dinner. We were having dinner together, nothing unusual la. But ended up, he get food poisoning and i have bad cough, caught cold, sore throat, and fever, combo set. The next 2 days, i cant get up at all, feel very pain and high fever. And only that i found out i take 1 fever tablet instead of 2 as in the instruction. I keep cried in pain and feel cold for those days. On Thursday, finally i can get down from the bed and have my first suap of sup after 2 and a half days only take oat and porridge for lunch and dinner. I dun feel like eating actually, it is just to prevent from gastric. I went back home on Thursday as the fever comes again even though the fever tablets left last caption. so i wen to see doc again. At home i keep giggling even though when im waiting at clinic, my parents thought im sick badly and burn my brain d. Actually im just so happy with their accompaniment and finally im bac. Ya, my friends all knew i have serious homesick, and i forced myself not to go back home every week. I worry bf's safety everytime he fetch me back and im trying to save some money. So when im bac this weekend, i feel so happy and keep giggling. On Saturday, my temperature stable and i manage to get up and have heavy food. HA....ha....HA....ha.......

Transformation

During last sem's break, i found out what is the most suitable life for me. i am so alone, at first i am so looking forward for this holiday as i planned to have a nice and enjoyable holiday for us and besides that i knew that is the left over holiday for us before he graduated. however, he was so busy with his holiday learning and working planning so i was left behind alone for my holiday. I was so bored everyday, so, i love myself more, i went shopping almost everyday with different accompaniments (they are girls), i start read fashion magazine, exchange magazine with my best friends, i learn a lot of skill on how to change myself to be better and i began to love myself more and more,. i never been this contented before. i learn to match all kinds of clothes that suits me the most, i learn to play with fingers' nail color, and i sleep very early every night, i have wonderful breakfast, i apply mask every week, i take care of my face, skin, my body and my health. i exercise and keep myself fit. i can say i really love myself very much. And i gain my confidence back gradually.

Recently, although campus reopen, and appraoching to week 4, i still love myself as i did last holiday. i sleep at 11 or 12 every night. i apply mask every week, i apply everything on my face, lips, body and even my foot. i will even stretch my body before i sleep, i listen to soft music to make sure i sleep well. i wake up early in the morning, i wont suffer my body with freezing cold water, i will boil water, make myself a cup of cereal drink with honey flavour, do some slight exercise, then bathing and have my favourite breakfst with cocoa cookies and bread. When i choose for my clothes i wont think of which suit will favour others like last time. I choose my suit for the day according to how i wanna wear for the day, mood, or character. Although he said the wild type suit doesnt suit me at all but i dun think the lady with wild clothers will become wild, i just want to have different character of suit for myself whenever i want it.

Yes, we as a lady, we should love ourselver more than others, dun ever think of been loved is not our responsibility or put it like this. Others or bf always have the responsibility to give their love and care for us. In facts they dun have the responsibility on these, but we have, especially to ourself.

p/s:love and care more to ourself than they did will improve our confidence either in inner part or outer part, lif will become better.

My Future Path

Last week when i was attending acca career fair, lh and i have some converstion with some accounting firm. Firstly we attend to a ACCA is notts the is the talk about. and i made an assumption that the speaker will talk about the advantage of ACCA and its benefit. surprisingly it is not, the speak is mainly about asking the audience to join as a Accelerate student and pay RM100. Then we go downstairs to attend the real fair. We have a chance to talk with KPMG's representative. He is an angmoh, so i can say i thoroughly dunno what is he talking about. And what i get is about work until 1am la...blabla.....but one thing for sure i understand.....salary....fresh graduate will get RM2450 per month. it sounds good salary at the first place, i admit i was attracted with this salary but after some expenses of living cost , rental, toll, petrol, EPF and PTPTN deduction, i dun think it is enough for me. Haiz.....next we talked to BDO Binder's HR manager, hah.....this conversation i can say is quite understandable, not beause of the english usage is easy but the way they talked is in informal way, so it makes me feel a bit confortable. i can say get a good impression from this company. The BDO Binder basically has 3 branches, one in seremban, kl and jb. However, this question turned to me when i wanna choose BDO Binder, will the company with greater back stab or greater politics will suitable for me? But if i back out just because of those presure, will i reget later?

I am really confusing. anyway maybe im not that qualified.